I’m in a particularly weird mood today. Everything just feels off and I can’t seem to find the motivation to do much of anything. I have come to the realization that my life in Minneapolis is too one-dimensional. There’s basically work….and then there’s work. That’s not to say that I don’t have other things to do, but pretty much all of them are tied to work in some way shape or form. All my friends here are people I work with. Great people, but still coworkers who I have to see every day. Even the 24 year old...work. And it’s starting to bother me. I feel boring. It’s not so much that I’m bored, although I think that I am a little bit, but as much as anything… I just feel boring. I don’t feel like I really have anything interesting to do or talk about…and part of that could stem from the fact that I see the same people constantly. I know I need to break out of this somehow, but quite frankly, I don’t know how to do it. I realize that’s it’s basically a function of getting out there and meeting new people, but it’s not that easy to do here. And I’m not really the type of person that’s going to go join a club or some shit like that. I don’t know…I’m whining….and I apologize
In other news...forget the apology…I’m just gonna go ahead and bitch some more. So I mentioned how I re-pulled my hamstring during curling last week. I won’t even get started on that, but I woke up on Sunday morning and the entire back of my left leg (ass to just below the knee) was black and blue. Kind of alarming, not to mention uncomfortable as hell. Suffice to say, sitting in my cube all day wasn’t feeling all that fun so I went to see the doctor yesterday. Doctor looks at a bunch of stuff…does some strength tests on the muscle, and then proceeds to tell me that she thinks I have fucking blood clot in my leg. Great...more good news! This was based on two particular areas that she noted were significantly enflamed…not from the typical swelling of the muscle…but rather two lump like bulges in the back of my leg. Apparently there are two genres for this sort of thing. 1) Surface level or superficial clot which isn’t a big deal. 2) Deep tissue clot which can be life threatening. The long and short of it is I’m supposed to go back for a follow-up on Thursday, and if it hasn’t improved, I have to go for an MRI that afternoon. I don’t want to be overly dramatic here, but I guess its fair to say that this is weighing on me a little bit. And that makes it entirely possible that my current perspective on “life” is being clouded by me viewing it through the lens of potential medical procedures, which god knows I love (particularly at a $285 deductible and 90% coverage…how do you say WHAT THE FUCK in English?)
Ironically, I seriously hope that’s all that’s bothering me. I’m getting really sick of this roller coaster thing...where its like up and then down, up and then down. I feel like that’s how my weeks have been for the past two months. I have a good week, and then a bad week. Good week...and then a bad week. There’s a term for that…it’s called fucking ridiculous. I’m getting frustrated...obviously! I’m going to stop there because I’m getting annoyed even just reading this post..
BD
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Curling Blows
Ok, curling is officially the dumbest sport on the face of the planet. I don’t even know that I can go so far as to call it a sport, however seeing as how I re-pulled my hamstring playing it, I feel like I have to deem it a sport only so I don’t go throw myself off a building. For anyone who enjoys curling, I certainly mean no disrespect. I just don’t really get the appeal. Not only did I engage in curling...which was weird enough...I injured myself curling. This may be the saddest day of my life!
So in light of my fun filled afternoon, I got a little loaded again last night. Not that that’s anything new, but rather than being my usual happy-drunk-self, I was on the cusp of beating some ass. People...one person in particular... were pissing me off something fierce. And I had the rebel yell in me…not a good combination when you’re around coworkers...and when the person in question is one of your boys. Those of you that know me know that I’m not a particularly violent person, but I do have a mouth… and I can be pretty fucking biting with my sarcasm when you push me beyond my threshold...which those of you who do know me...know isn’t that far. Fortunately the 24 year old recognized the impending shit storm and got me out of there before the winds really picked up.
I have to admit it …I think I like this girl. That scares me a little bit because there is a large part of me that says that’s the last thing I need right now. But at the same time...this just feels very different from some previous situations. And I can’t put my finger on what exactly that is, but whatever it is, I think it may be a good thing. At a minimum I feel out of my comfort zone and maybe that in and of itself is a positive. It’s certainly something that I haven’t allowed myself to do in a long time. And lord knows my “comfort zone” hasn’t exactly led to any sort of positive outcomes on the romantic front in recent years. I keep looking for reasons to run for the hills on this one, but to be honest I can’t find any…at least any that make any sense. At the end of the day, she’s really hard not to like. She’s fun…she’s smoking hot...she’s smart...she’s down to earth. She’s probably more mature than I am...which granted so are most 3rd graders...but she has a calmness and perspective to her that is well beyond her years…or at least the place where most people are at when they’re 24. I don’t know where all this is going to lead, but I have to say I feel pretty good about the direction right now. And that’s kind of refreshing in a way.
Anyway, Happy Friday to all! It’s going to cold as hell here this weekend, so those of you who are in SoCal...take advantage for me!
BD
So in light of my fun filled afternoon, I got a little loaded again last night. Not that that’s anything new, but rather than being my usual happy-drunk-self, I was on the cusp of beating some ass. People...one person in particular... were pissing me off something fierce. And I had the rebel yell in me…not a good combination when you’re around coworkers...and when the person in question is one of your boys. Those of you that know me know that I’m not a particularly violent person, but I do have a mouth… and I can be pretty fucking biting with my sarcasm when you push me beyond my threshold...which those of you who do know me...know isn’t that far. Fortunately the 24 year old recognized the impending shit storm and got me out of there before the winds really picked up.
I have to admit it …I think I like this girl. That scares me a little bit because there is a large part of me that says that’s the last thing I need right now. But at the same time...this just feels very different from some previous situations. And I can’t put my finger on what exactly that is, but whatever it is, I think it may be a good thing. At a minimum I feel out of my comfort zone and maybe that in and of itself is a positive. It’s certainly something that I haven’t allowed myself to do in a long time. And lord knows my “comfort zone” hasn’t exactly led to any sort of positive outcomes on the romantic front in recent years. I keep looking for reasons to run for the hills on this one, but to be honest I can’t find any…at least any that make any sense. At the end of the day, she’s really hard not to like. She’s fun…she’s smoking hot...she’s smart...she’s down to earth. She’s probably more mature than I am...which granted so are most 3rd graders...but she has a calmness and perspective to her that is well beyond her years…or at least the place where most people are at when they’re 24. I don’t know where all this is going to lead, but I have to say I feel pretty good about the direction right now. And that’s kind of refreshing in a way.
Anyway, Happy Friday to all! It’s going to cold as hell here this weekend, so those of you who are in SoCal...take advantage for me!
BD
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Thursday Curling
Not a lot to say today...but I felt like writing something.
It is fucking cold here…like ridiculously cold. This Saturday is supposed to see a high of – 1 degrees!! A high of – 1 degrees!! That’s absurd. This California kid is seriously missing his beach, his ocean, and his on-going 74 and sunny. I want to know who the first non-native American person was to settle Minneapolis. What the hell were they thinking? They actually stopped…got off their horses...looked around, and were like, “yeah...looks nice!” Clearly they did not arrive in January.
Got a little bit loaded last night. Had a crew of work colleagues in town from Austin, TX. So a few of us took them to Chino Latino for dinner and some cocktails. I should say that they had dinner...I had cocktails. It was a relatively good time I guess. I have come to the realization that I don’t always relate well to my immediate peer group. While most of them are great people, they’re all in such different places in their lives (married w/ kids). Sometimes it’s hard to talk to each other for extended periods because we have little common ground beyond work. The problem is I get bored talking about work all the time. So I don’t know where that leaves us. The one amusing part of the evening was I did get completely eye-fucked by...well...I guess we’ll call her a cougar. Probably in her early 40’s...big fake tits and bleached blonde hair…pretty attractive…sitting at a table across from us getting hit on by a bunch of douche bag, recently divorced, big-swinging dick wannabees. She kept glancing over and staring at me (I counted 6 times), which is pretty strong. I’m kind of oblivious to these things, so I didn’t think much of it at first but by the 4th or 5th time I was like ok...I think I’m officially being eye fucked. She was probably looking for someone to save her from the douche bag posse...which I wasn’t really in a position, nor did I really have the inclination to do. My boy George however was all over it...or at least he wanted to be. I tried to talk to him into making a run at it, but he was for whatever reason “not feeling his game”. I have come to recognize that as an old man’s metaphor for “I no longer have any”.
Anyway...my two cents for the day. I’m now leaving the office to go curling with my co-workers. Yes, that’s right…I did say curling. Yes, it is as fucking weird as it sounds. Yes, I have often wondered why the fuck I ever left southern California.
BD
It is fucking cold here…like ridiculously cold. This Saturday is supposed to see a high of – 1 degrees!! A high of – 1 degrees!! That’s absurd. This California kid is seriously missing his beach, his ocean, and his on-going 74 and sunny. I want to know who the first non-native American person was to settle Minneapolis. What the hell were they thinking? They actually stopped…got off their horses...looked around, and were like, “yeah...looks nice!” Clearly they did not arrive in January.
Got a little bit loaded last night. Had a crew of work colleagues in town from Austin, TX. So a few of us took them to Chino Latino for dinner and some cocktails. I should say that they had dinner...I had cocktails. It was a relatively good time I guess. I have come to the realization that I don’t always relate well to my immediate peer group. While most of them are great people, they’re all in such different places in their lives (married w/ kids). Sometimes it’s hard to talk to each other for extended periods because we have little common ground beyond work. The problem is I get bored talking about work all the time. So I don’t know where that leaves us. The one amusing part of the evening was I did get completely eye-fucked by...well...I guess we’ll call her a cougar. Probably in her early 40’s...big fake tits and bleached blonde hair…pretty attractive…sitting at a table across from us getting hit on by a bunch of douche bag, recently divorced, big-swinging dick wannabees. She kept glancing over and staring at me (I counted 6 times), which is pretty strong. I’m kind of oblivious to these things, so I didn’t think much of it at first but by the 4th or 5th time I was like ok...I think I’m officially being eye fucked. She was probably looking for someone to save her from the douche bag posse...which I wasn’t really in a position, nor did I really have the inclination to do. My boy George however was all over it...or at least he wanted to be. I tried to talk to him into making a run at it, but he was for whatever reason “not feeling his game”. I have come to recognize that as an old man’s metaphor for “I no longer have any”.
Anyway...my two cents for the day. I’m now leaving the office to go curling with my co-workers. Yes, that’s right…I did say curling. Yes, it is as fucking weird as it sounds. Yes, I have often wondered why the fuck I ever left southern California.
BD
Friday, January 11, 2008
Happy Friday
So I know my past few posts have been a bit on the heavy side, and I’ll offer a half- hearted apology for that. Although it is my blog so I’ll write whatever the fuck I want!!! Kidding. No, I was actually hoping to write something light and funny in the last couple days, but it has unfortunately just been one of those weeks. Quite frankly not a lot of anything that is either light or funny is coming to me. But I do feel like writing something so rather than light and funny I’m gonna go with dark and potentially humorous.
No Country for old Men
Saw it on Wednesday. Well, I wouldn’t exactly go so far as to call it warm and fuzzy. It was a good movie, and I thought parts of it were very well done. I don’t want to ruin it for anyone who is yet to see it, but I guess I’m just not sure I’ve ascertained what exactly the point or message of the film was. If anyone has any thoughts or insider knowledge, love to hear it.
Suicide / Depression
As many of you know, a former colleague / friend of Nicole’s took his life this week. Absolutely nothing short of a tragedy and it’s sparked some interesting discussions both on her blog as well as within my inner circle. I especially liked her post on the subject, http://gonicoleyourself.blogspot.com/2008/01/next-day.html and agree wholeheartedly that if you have problems take whatever steps are appropriate for you to address them. Having said that, I know it’s not always that easy. It’s interesting to hear people’s reactions to suicide. I was having a discussion with the 24 year old the other day and she termed it as a “selfish” act. While I agree with that on some levels, my immediate reaction to her comment was that it was a little on the cold side. As she elaborated however, I began to understand her position a little better. Her father died of cancer six years ago, and as she put it, having seen someone involuntarily lose his life, it was unconscionable for her to fathom someone voluntarily giving theirs up while others fight so hard and still end up losing the battle. Its interesting coincidence that the last three girls I’ve dated have all lost their fathers prematurely. Two of the three cases could effectively be deemed a suicide, and I often wonder if the people in question truly knew the effect that taking their own life would have on the people who love them, would they then reconsider it? And the answer I arrive at is probably not. People who take their own lives often don’t realize the extent to which or even that they are in fact loved by others. And as such, they are unable to foresee or empathize with the pain that will be inflicted on other people due to their actions. So is it then truly a selfish act? I’ve dealt with some depression in the past, and while I’ve never come close to even considering suicide, I can in fact see how a person could get to a point where they literally feel like they have no real options for eradicating their pain. That doesn’t justify it in my opinion, but at the same time, I find it very difficult for me to pass judgment on those that do.
Machine-gun Fire Poo
On a lighter note…and not to be disgusting, but is there anything worse then getting the shits in the office? I took a chance yesterday and went with the Tandori chicken wrap from the 3M cafeteria. You know....try something different...break up the routine a little bit. Yeah, not a great call on my part. My ass was like an outboard motor yesterday. I went to the bathroom 6 times in a span of two hours. And what’s worse…I ran into the same guy on three of the occasions. So...just as a little background… we have a serial shitter in my office…you probably have one in yours too. My guy goes about 250 lbs… looks exactly like the character Proximo from Gladiator.
And when I say this guy can bring it.....I’ve never seen or heard of a man who shits as frequently and as with as much sheer force as this guy. I’ve swear I’ve actually heard the toilet whimper when he walks in the door. If I’m in the bathroom taking a leak, statistically there’s 73.5% likelihood that Proximo is in there deucing one out in the handicap stall (yeah, he uses it). And every time I hear the pure carnage erupting from within, I find myself laughing so hard that I have to run out of the bathroom…typically with tears streaming down my face. I don’t know why, but it’s hilarious! Until yesterday that is. I had to go adjacent stall with him on two occasions, which was a little intimidating. On the third occasion we arrived in the bathroom at the same time. This is a true story. I come in the right door...Proximo comes in the left…handicap stall is in between us. There’s a moment of pause. Our eyes meet. I half expected to see a paper towel blowing across the bathroom with the music from The Good the Bad and Ugly playing in the background. There was no room for compromise here because we both wanted...make that needed...the Handi stall. After all, the handi stall has a sink and some efforts...quite frankly...require a bit more clean-up than others. In any case, fortunately for me I’ve got Proximo beat in the speed and quickness category. I gave him a little head fake and bolted right into the double wide...slamming the stall door to a muttered “shit!!”....which was exactly what I took. After all that, I was exhausted and went home.
Speaking of which, I’m exhausted now. I’ve got plenty more to talk about but neither the energy nor the inclination to put it on paper right now. More later…
No Country for old Men
Saw it on Wednesday. Well, I wouldn’t exactly go so far as to call it warm and fuzzy. It was a good movie, and I thought parts of it were very well done. I don’t want to ruin it for anyone who is yet to see it, but I guess I’m just not sure I’ve ascertained what exactly the point or message of the film was. If anyone has any thoughts or insider knowledge, love to hear it.
Suicide / Depression
As many of you know, a former colleague / friend of Nicole’s took his life this week. Absolutely nothing short of a tragedy and it’s sparked some interesting discussions both on her blog as well as within my inner circle. I especially liked her post on the subject, http://gonicoleyourself.blogspot.com/2008/01/next-day.html and agree wholeheartedly that if you have problems take whatever steps are appropriate for you to address them. Having said that, I know it’s not always that easy. It’s interesting to hear people’s reactions to suicide. I was having a discussion with the 24 year old the other day and she termed it as a “selfish” act. While I agree with that on some levels, my immediate reaction to her comment was that it was a little on the cold side. As she elaborated however, I began to understand her position a little better. Her father died of cancer six years ago, and as she put it, having seen someone involuntarily lose his life, it was unconscionable for her to fathom someone voluntarily giving theirs up while others fight so hard and still end up losing the battle. Its interesting coincidence that the last three girls I’ve dated have all lost their fathers prematurely. Two of the three cases could effectively be deemed a suicide, and I often wonder if the people in question truly knew the effect that taking their own life would have on the people who love them, would they then reconsider it? And the answer I arrive at is probably not. People who take their own lives often don’t realize the extent to which or even that they are in fact loved by others. And as such, they are unable to foresee or empathize with the pain that will be inflicted on other people due to their actions. So is it then truly a selfish act? I’ve dealt with some depression in the past, and while I’ve never come close to even considering suicide, I can in fact see how a person could get to a point where they literally feel like they have no real options for eradicating their pain. That doesn’t justify it in my opinion, but at the same time, I find it very difficult for me to pass judgment on those that do.
Machine-gun Fire Poo
On a lighter note…and not to be disgusting, but is there anything worse then getting the shits in the office? I took a chance yesterday and went with the Tandori chicken wrap from the 3M cafeteria. You know....try something different...break up the routine a little bit. Yeah, not a great call on my part. My ass was like an outboard motor yesterday. I went to the bathroom 6 times in a span of two hours. And what’s worse…I ran into the same guy on three of the occasions. So...just as a little background… we have a serial shitter in my office…you probably have one in yours too. My guy goes about 250 lbs… looks exactly like the character Proximo from Gladiator.
And when I say this guy can bring it.....I’ve never seen or heard of a man who shits as frequently and as with as much sheer force as this guy. I’ve swear I’ve actually heard the toilet whimper when he walks in the door. If I’m in the bathroom taking a leak, statistically there’s 73.5% likelihood that Proximo is in there deucing one out in the handicap stall (yeah, he uses it). And every time I hear the pure carnage erupting from within, I find myself laughing so hard that I have to run out of the bathroom…typically with tears streaming down my face. I don’t know why, but it’s hilarious! Until yesterday that is. I had to go adjacent stall with him on two occasions, which was a little intimidating. On the third occasion we arrived in the bathroom at the same time. This is a true story. I come in the right door...Proximo comes in the left…handicap stall is in between us. There’s a moment of pause. Our eyes meet. I half expected to see a paper towel blowing across the bathroom with the music from The Good the Bad and Ugly playing in the background. There was no room for compromise here because we both wanted...make that needed...the Handi stall. After all, the handi stall has a sink and some efforts...quite frankly...require a bit more clean-up than others. In any case, fortunately for me I’ve got Proximo beat in the speed and quickness category. I gave him a little head fake and bolted right into the double wide...slamming the stall door to a muttered “shit!!”....which was exactly what I took. After all that, I was exhausted and went home.
Speaking of which, I’m exhausted now. I’ve got plenty more to talk about but neither the energy nor the inclination to put it on paper right now. More later…
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
When did I become such a pussy?
Does anyone feel like they’ve gotten more eccentric in their old age? I’m trying to figure out how this happens. Granted some people are just fucking head cases to begin with, but I can’t really say that I’ve ever really thought of myself as one. Sure I have my moments, but I’ve always operated under the assumption that with age comes experience and with experience comes some form of wisdom. You get older...you get exposed to things...you gain a more balanced perspective through the highs and lows of what you go through…blah blah blah. But in some ways I feel like we also become more reticent with age…and I wonder if that reticence forces us in some way to further indulge in our eccentricities as a means of compensating for something that we’ve lost. If you think about it, our experiences constitute somewhat of a double edge sword. On the one hand they allow you to become a bit more pragmatic and grounded, but on the other they make you more acutely aware of the potential ramifications of your actions...both good and bad. In other words when you’re stupid enough to not know any better, very little fazes you. It’s the reason why an 8-year old is a million times more capable in a half-pipe than I am. While I’m conscious of breaking every bone in my body, they’re thinking about how cool is will be to have everyone at school sign their cast.
At some point you develop a sense of fear on certain things. And that fear triggers protective mechanisms which in turn, when we recognize them, introduce an element of self-doubt. There are some aspects of my life...dating for example…where I look back and realize that even 28 year old me would have been ten times more fit to handle some of this shit than 31 year old me. And its not just dating...I see it in other aspects of my life as well, where I am so much more keyed up, stressed out, impatient and anal about things than I used to be. I find that I have very hard time taking things in stride thee days…being patient…letting things just come about on their own terms. I worry about things I used to never worry about. I stress about shit that is completely out of my control. And I don’t like that. I don’t know at what point I crossed over from being what I always thought of as me...to this other person who I probably would have told to lighten the fuck up of not that long ago
If I look back at my early years one of the most common adjectives that I’ve consistently heard used to describe me...and consequently one of the ways in which I’ve always viewed myself…is mellow...laid back. For the most part I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty level-headed person. In fact I could even venture to say that one of my biggest problems earlier in life was that I was in fact TOO laid back…not putting a great enough sense of urgency on certain things. Used to drive my parents (type-AAA’s) crazy. Even just a few years ago...I remember feeling particularly rationale and composed about most things. Sure I had my little pet peeves...such as traffic, dumb-asses in the line at Starbucks, my douche bag boss…but in terms of the big ticket items, I feel I maintained a pretty balanced perspective for the most part. Most of my exes would probably strongly disagree with that last statement!
Be that as it may, I’m starting to arrive at the realization that I am not composed at all...pretty far from it actually. Nicole described it perfectly the other day as being a “leaky faucet of emotion”, which sounds so forthright coming from her. But when I think of myself in those terms, I'm like, I've become a pussy! I find myself overanalyzing things entirely too much. I sometimes feel like my life is an on-going episode of Curb your Enthusiasm and I’m Larry David. That certainly implies a certain level of eccentricity on my part. Often I get an idea in my head and no matter how hard I try, or despite strong evidence to the contrary, I cannot for the life of me get rid of it...or at a minimum just let it go. What’s more...or at least what is more alarming...is the degree to which I find myself acting out and indulging in these little battles that in many cases I’ve probably just created on my own. I was talking to a guy yesterday who told me about a psychological study where the researchers found that 90% of the conversations that people have on a given day are with themselves. That totally makes sense to me. But of that 90%...75% of the subject matter is negative in nature. If true, that says a lot about the ethos of our orientation. As human beings we are almost always unconsciously preparing for the worst, and I don’t know if that is a good way to go about seeking satisfaction from life.
I know it’s not necessarily just a function of age because I know plenty of people in their 20s who are anal as shit. In my case I can’t say that’s it’s a function of stress stemming from increased responsibility because, quite frankly, my practical circumstances haven’t changed all that much in the past 8 years. It could be partly a function of change. I’ve had a fair amount of upheaval over the past 6 months and I guess the cumulative effect from some of these things is easy for me to overlook. Since May I’ve graduated from B-school, moved to a new city, broke up with my girlfriend, started a new job, bought a house, met and started hanging out with a completely new group of people, dating...I could go on and on. And this is by no means meant to be a cry me a river song..and yes I recognize these things…but I don’t entirely recognize my response to them. It’s also interesting to me that in all the times where we truly need that larger sense of perspective…where we need a degree of level-headedness...where we need our composure the most…it seems to be nowhere to be found.
Anyway…I don’t know where I’m going with all this...I think I'm just in a shitty mood this week.
BD
At some point you develop a sense of fear on certain things. And that fear triggers protective mechanisms which in turn, when we recognize them, introduce an element of self-doubt. There are some aspects of my life...dating for example…where I look back and realize that even 28 year old me would have been ten times more fit to handle some of this shit than 31 year old me. And its not just dating...I see it in other aspects of my life as well, where I am so much more keyed up, stressed out, impatient and anal about things than I used to be. I find that I have very hard time taking things in stride thee days…being patient…letting things just come about on their own terms. I worry about things I used to never worry about. I stress about shit that is completely out of my control. And I don’t like that. I don’t know at what point I crossed over from being what I always thought of as me...to this other person who I probably would have told to lighten the fuck up of not that long ago
If I look back at my early years one of the most common adjectives that I’ve consistently heard used to describe me...and consequently one of the ways in which I’ve always viewed myself…is mellow...laid back. For the most part I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty level-headed person. In fact I could even venture to say that one of my biggest problems earlier in life was that I was in fact TOO laid back…not putting a great enough sense of urgency on certain things. Used to drive my parents (type-AAA’s) crazy. Even just a few years ago...I remember feeling particularly rationale and composed about most things. Sure I had my little pet peeves...such as traffic, dumb-asses in the line at Starbucks, my douche bag boss…but in terms of the big ticket items, I feel I maintained a pretty balanced perspective for the most part. Most of my exes would probably strongly disagree with that last statement!
Be that as it may, I’m starting to arrive at the realization that I am not composed at all...pretty far from it actually. Nicole described it perfectly the other day as being a “leaky faucet of emotion”, which sounds so forthright coming from her. But when I think of myself in those terms, I'm like, I've become a pussy! I find myself overanalyzing things entirely too much. I sometimes feel like my life is an on-going episode of Curb your Enthusiasm and I’m Larry David. That certainly implies a certain level of eccentricity on my part. Often I get an idea in my head and no matter how hard I try, or despite strong evidence to the contrary, I cannot for the life of me get rid of it...or at a minimum just let it go. What’s more...or at least what is more alarming...is the degree to which I find myself acting out and indulging in these little battles that in many cases I’ve probably just created on my own. I was talking to a guy yesterday who told me about a psychological study where the researchers found that 90% of the conversations that people have on a given day are with themselves. That totally makes sense to me. But of that 90%...75% of the subject matter is negative in nature. If true, that says a lot about the ethos of our orientation. As human beings we are almost always unconsciously preparing for the worst, and I don’t know if that is a good way to go about seeking satisfaction from life.
I know it’s not necessarily just a function of age because I know plenty of people in their 20s who are anal as shit. In my case I can’t say that’s it’s a function of stress stemming from increased responsibility because, quite frankly, my practical circumstances haven’t changed all that much in the past 8 years. It could be partly a function of change. I’ve had a fair amount of upheaval over the past 6 months and I guess the cumulative effect from some of these things is easy for me to overlook. Since May I’ve graduated from B-school, moved to a new city, broke up with my girlfriend, started a new job, bought a house, met and started hanging out with a completely new group of people, dating...I could go on and on. And this is by no means meant to be a cry me a river song..and yes I recognize these things…but I don’t entirely recognize my response to them. It’s also interesting to me that in all the times where we truly need that larger sense of perspective…where we need a degree of level-headedness...where we need our composure the most…it seems to be nowhere to be found.
Anyway…I don’t know where I’m going with all this...I think I'm just in a shitty mood this week.
BD
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Romantic Game Theory
Why do we play games? Specifically, why is that we feel compelled to play mind games...or even just “the game” with people we are seeing or are even just interested in? It’s not that I don’t get it, because I do. Sometimes games are fun. And it’s a basic protective mechanism in some ways I suppose. But it really doesn’t make a lot of sense on many levels. If you talk to people who are single, a large percentage of them...at least those that are above the age of 26...will probably tell you that the thing they like the least about being single is “the game”. Yet we all do it. We all say, “I don’t play games” or “I don’t want to play games” but we’ve all done at one point in time...in fact we’ve probably done it more frequently than we’d like to admit. I feel like I’m caught up in this right now, which I why I bring it up. What’s more…the reason I’m playing the game is because I feel like she’s doing it. And the reality of it is, she probably feels like I’m doing it. So the end result is we’re just playing off each other in a way that is completely ridiculous …and creating this snowball effect of resistance that is really doing nothing more than pushing us apart. It’s retarded!
At graduate school I spent a good deal of time studying game theory as it relates to economics. Interestingly enough, now that I am single, I have found the fundamentals of game theory to be particularly applicable to dating. For those that don’t know, in essence, game theory is the study of interactions between individuals. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Game_theory From an academic perspective a “game” could be just about anything. It only requires that there are a minimum of two participants (the players), a generally understood set of rules, and payoffs (or penalties) that ensue from each players move within the game. There are many different types of games and an equal number of variations to the theories that describe them, but one of the most commonly discussed is that of the “Prisoner’s Dilemma”. The prisoner’s dilemma describes a scenario where both players would benefit from some form of mutual cooperation, but because of the fear of non-cooperation (or betrayal) from the other party, both players work solely in their own interests (winner take all!)...gradually eroding payoffs to the point where the game stops because both parties are dead (metaphorically speaking).
From an economic sense, a common example used to illustrate this dynamic is the case of department stores. In shopping malls across America department stores regularly run red-tag sales. Most department stores lose money with these sales! Why do they do it you ask? The answer...simply stated… is because the other guy does it. The strategy goes - as long as the other players are offering sales, we have to offer sales. Yeah, we lose some money, however if we don’t offer sales, we lose ALL the business to our competition. In other words, each store inherently accepts a smaller piece of the pie in order to ensure that the other guy doesn’t run away with the whole thing. In reality, if the stores cooperated with one another…in many cases… they could possibly even expand the pie and each make more money than they would acting as individuals.
Coke and Pepsi actually figured this out. That’s the reason why you never see Coke and Pepsi products simultaneously promoted on the end caps in the aisles of your grocery store. The two companies figured out at some point that they could make more money by cooperating and alternating weekends (or days). If you walk into your average Safeway, chances are either Coke or Pepsi products will be on sale, but not the other. The next day (or the next weekend) they’ll switch. All bets are off on Super Bowl Sunday!
So you get the idea. The point is…we too often engage in the department store model when it comes to dating. We send mixed messages...we flirt...we scheme…we manipulate…we guard our territory. But its not a winner take all model. The reality of it is that in a lot of cases both people are often trying to achieve the same thing, that being that they want to be with the other person due to the fact that they like the other person! So how do you break free of this viscous cycle of trying to make them think that you don’t like them as much, so that they will then like you more? The practical term for this model is the infamous “Push & Pull”. It’s so fucking irritating because here I am aware of all this, and yet, I feel completely helpless to change it. And I’m 31 years old...I really don’t need or want to be playing games. But she’s not 31! And I like her...and I’m pretty certain she likes me...but here we are playing this one out. And I’m not faulting her at all. Yeah, she’s a little younger but she’s a great girl…she’s got a great head on her shoulders...and I don’t think she’s playing games with me per say...at least not in the strictest sense of the word. But at the same time I can’t help but notice some subtle gamesmanship on both of our ends…something that is somewhat compounded by the fact that we work together. Yeah I know…fishing in the company pond...we don’t need to go there. But I would like to rise above this dynamic..its just I don’t know how to do it. If anyone has any thoughts, they would be more than welcome.
BD
At graduate school I spent a good deal of time studying game theory as it relates to economics. Interestingly enough, now that I am single, I have found the fundamentals of game theory to be particularly applicable to dating. For those that don’t know, in essence, game theory is the study of interactions between individuals. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Game_theory From an academic perspective a “game” could be just about anything. It only requires that there are a minimum of two participants (the players), a generally understood set of rules, and payoffs (or penalties) that ensue from each players move within the game. There are many different types of games and an equal number of variations to the theories that describe them, but one of the most commonly discussed is that of the “Prisoner’s Dilemma”. The prisoner’s dilemma describes a scenario where both players would benefit from some form of mutual cooperation, but because of the fear of non-cooperation (or betrayal) from the other party, both players work solely in their own interests (winner take all!)...gradually eroding payoffs to the point where the game stops because both parties are dead (metaphorically speaking).
From an economic sense, a common example used to illustrate this dynamic is the case of department stores. In shopping malls across America department stores regularly run red-tag sales. Most department stores lose money with these sales! Why do they do it you ask? The answer...simply stated… is because the other guy does it. The strategy goes - as long as the other players are offering sales, we have to offer sales. Yeah, we lose some money, however if we don’t offer sales, we lose ALL the business to our competition. In other words, each store inherently accepts a smaller piece of the pie in order to ensure that the other guy doesn’t run away with the whole thing. In reality, if the stores cooperated with one another…in many cases… they could possibly even expand the pie and each make more money than they would acting as individuals.
Coke and Pepsi actually figured this out. That’s the reason why you never see Coke and Pepsi products simultaneously promoted on the end caps in the aisles of your grocery store. The two companies figured out at some point that they could make more money by cooperating and alternating weekends (or days). If you walk into your average Safeway, chances are either Coke or Pepsi products will be on sale, but not the other. The next day (or the next weekend) they’ll switch. All bets are off on Super Bowl Sunday!
So you get the idea. The point is…we too often engage in the department store model when it comes to dating. We send mixed messages...we flirt...we scheme…we manipulate…we guard our territory. But its not a winner take all model. The reality of it is that in a lot of cases both people are often trying to achieve the same thing, that being that they want to be with the other person due to the fact that they like the other person! So how do you break free of this viscous cycle of trying to make them think that you don’t like them as much, so that they will then like you more? The practical term for this model is the infamous “Push & Pull”. It’s so fucking irritating because here I am aware of all this, and yet, I feel completely helpless to change it. And I’m 31 years old...I really don’t need or want to be playing games. But she’s not 31! And I like her...and I’m pretty certain she likes me...but here we are playing this one out. And I’m not faulting her at all. Yeah, she’s a little younger but she’s a great girl…she’s got a great head on her shoulders...and I don’t think she’s playing games with me per say...at least not in the strictest sense of the word. But at the same time I can’t help but notice some subtle gamesmanship on both of our ends…something that is somewhat compounded by the fact that we work together. Yeah I know…fishing in the company pond...we don’t need to go there. But I would like to rise above this dynamic..its just I don’t know how to do it. If anyone has any thoughts, they would be more than welcome.
BD
Monday, January 7, 2008
Bringing in 2008
Sorry for taking so long to post. I’ve been watching the site meter so I know people are stopping by. I’d love to give a good excuse for why I haven’t been writing…but quite frankly I don’t have one. There’s just been too much crap going on. Work (whatever!)…Holiday’s (nice!)...New Years (I’m a jackass!). In fact a friend of mine reminded me of that fact this morning…that I’m a complete Jackass that is..so it’s nice to see that some things haven’t changed despite the fact that the last digit in the calendar has.
However it is a new year… 2008…holy shit! Actually…it’s the first Monday of the New Year and quite frankly there’s a lot to talk about.
New Hampshire Primaries
I don’t mean to start off with politics but seeing as how it’s now officially an election year, I’m gonna go there. So…Iowa was certainly a bit of a surprise. Can’t say that I’m overly disappointed, but it was a surprise nonetheless. Right now Hilary is getting waxed! When I say waxed…I don’t mean literally. Quite frankly if Hilary had a Brazilian...I think Bill would have stayed home that night. That’s speculation on my part, but nonetheless she’s sliding down the poles like a Vegas college student. And that makes me happy. About the only thing politically speaking that I like less than Hilary is the thought of Hilary as president…although that’s recently been replaced by the thought of Hilary getting waxed. Christ! Equally scary...can you imagine Bill as first lady? If I was an intern I would be asking if they hand out free condoms at the White House health center. So that leaves us with Barrack Obama. Although I realize it’s very early, Barrack is looking strong. I’m reading his book right now because I realized I know nothing about the guy. Seems very intelligent...fairly reasonable. I have to say...I just don’t know. He speaks a moderate tone but he smells very very liberal to me. On the other side we have Huckabee and Romney. I’ll preface all this by saying that I am a republican...a very moderate republican...but even as a republican I have to say this group scares the shit out of me. We’re talking the religious right here. I mean these guys are right of right...conservative conservatives. I’ve got nothing against religion…I just don’t want it pushed on me and quite frankly I don’t know that it has an official place in the White House. I also believe in a women’s right to choose and that if two people love each other and desire to cohabitate for all eternity…they outta get the goddamn tax break...regardless of whether or not those two people are of the same sex. Can someone please explain to me why gay marriage is a federal issue? I’ll stop there…
NFL Playoffs
Two words…Sea - hawks!! Big game on Saturday. It’s interesting living in this frozen fucking land that I now call home. That would be Minneapolis since I’ve probably never mentioned it before. This past weekend the temperature got above freezing for the first time in six weeks. What’s even scarier is that fact that I put on a t-shirt, went outside, and was like, “Wow...kinda nice out today!” Regardless...there’s a shit ton of Packer fans that reside in Minnesota and most of them seem to work in my office. I think the NFC is wide open...and I do think the Patriots are beatable. I just don’t think anyone will beat them. I also have to confess that I have kind of a man crush on Tom Brady. I mean...really...I give credit where credit is due. The guy is a stud. He’s the best quarterback in the NFL…he’s quite possibly the best clutch quarterback in the history of the game. He’s a good looking guy, who simultaneously comes across as a relatively cool guy. He dates actresses and models...I mean…he goes from Bridgette Moynihan to Gisele…yeah ok...you’ve got some game. And you don’t see his face plastered all over every billboard in America despite the fact that he could probably go that route if he was so inclined. I like the guy. I’ts hard not to admire people who are really fucking good at what they do, and he’s pretty damn good.
Roger Clemens
Not that it maters, but I’ve been saying that baseball should be looking at pitchers for over three years. And that’s specifically because of Roger Clemens. I’m a sports guy...I want to believe in heroes as much as the next person. I like lance Armstrong, but trust me, he’s guilty. And I think Roger is too. The sad thing is its becoming very hard to believe in amazing feats of sporting achievement if you’re a rationale human being. In the case of Clemons, even on just a circumstantial basis, he’s very suspect. Let’s see…playing one of the most physically demanding positions in all of sports, the guy starts displaying an unprecedented level of dominance 5 years removed from the age when most pitchers begin to fill out AARP cards. Oh yeah…that and his entire physique changed. Go back and look at his early Boston days…yeah he was pretty big...but he’s a hell of a lot bigger now and we’re not talking a 41 year old gut. And then the whole Mike Wallace thing last night…Roger just shut the fuck up. Why would McNamee lie about all this? He’s got no motive to do so and your own people have leaked that you failed a lie detector test...so go plead the 5th and hope to Christ hall voters are feeling charitable when your name comes up.
McDonalds Coffee Bars
Did you guys see this? The Wall Street Journal announced today that McDonald’s plans to implement coffee bars (with Baristas) in all of 14,000 of its restaurants in the U.S. Apparently they’re trying to compete with Starbucks...on what level I have no idea. I’ll take a super-sized pumpkin spiced McLatte...skinny…with a splash of special sauce. Just a dabble on the top…it’s just for flavor!
Movies
Charlie Wilson’s War: Fantastic! Philip Seymore Hoffman...unbelievable! Remember when he played “George” in scent of a woman?
I haven’t seen any other movies although I’ve heard No Country for Old Men is great. I may go check that out this week. I did watch The Notebook last week for the first time and I just stopped crying about ten minutes ago.
Music
Arcade Fire’s new album Neon bible...outstanding! Can anyone explain the album website to me? http://www.neonbible.com/readme.html It’s a very cool but I can’t say I get it. I’m in the mood to blow up iTunes this week so if anyone has suggestions, let me know.
There’s a lot more I could talk about but I’ll stop for now. Happy New Year to everyone! Sorry again for the long hiatus, but I’m back in the swing of things now and plan to be more diligent about writing.
BD
However it is a new year… 2008…holy shit! Actually…it’s the first Monday of the New Year and quite frankly there’s a lot to talk about.
New Hampshire Primaries
I don’t mean to start off with politics but seeing as how it’s now officially an election year, I’m gonna go there. So…Iowa was certainly a bit of a surprise. Can’t say that I’m overly disappointed, but it was a surprise nonetheless. Right now Hilary is getting waxed! When I say waxed…I don’t mean literally. Quite frankly if Hilary had a Brazilian...I think Bill would have stayed home that night. That’s speculation on my part, but nonetheless she’s sliding down the poles like a Vegas college student. And that makes me happy. About the only thing politically speaking that I like less than Hilary is the thought of Hilary as president…although that’s recently been replaced by the thought of Hilary getting waxed. Christ! Equally scary...can you imagine Bill as first lady? If I was an intern I would be asking if they hand out free condoms at the White House health center. So that leaves us with Barrack Obama. Although I realize it’s very early, Barrack is looking strong. I’m reading his book right now because I realized I know nothing about the guy. Seems very intelligent...fairly reasonable. I have to say...I just don’t know. He speaks a moderate tone but he smells very very liberal to me. On the other side we have Huckabee and Romney. I’ll preface all this by saying that I am a republican...a very moderate republican...but even as a republican I have to say this group scares the shit out of me. We’re talking the religious right here. I mean these guys are right of right...conservative conservatives. I’ve got nothing against religion…I just don’t want it pushed on me and quite frankly I don’t know that it has an official place in the White House. I also believe in a women’s right to choose and that if two people love each other and desire to cohabitate for all eternity…they outta get the goddamn tax break...regardless of whether or not those two people are of the same sex. Can someone please explain to me why gay marriage is a federal issue? I’ll stop there…
NFL Playoffs
Two words…Sea - hawks!! Big game on Saturday. It’s interesting living in this frozen fucking land that I now call home. That would be Minneapolis since I’ve probably never mentioned it before. This past weekend the temperature got above freezing for the first time in six weeks. What’s even scarier is that fact that I put on a t-shirt, went outside, and was like, “Wow...kinda nice out today!” Regardless...there’s a shit ton of Packer fans that reside in Minnesota and most of them seem to work in my office. I think the NFC is wide open...and I do think the Patriots are beatable. I just don’t think anyone will beat them. I also have to confess that I have kind of a man crush on Tom Brady. I mean...really...I give credit where credit is due. The guy is a stud. He’s the best quarterback in the NFL…he’s quite possibly the best clutch quarterback in the history of the game. He’s a good looking guy, who simultaneously comes across as a relatively cool guy. He dates actresses and models...I mean…he goes from Bridgette Moynihan to Gisele…yeah ok...you’ve got some game. And you don’t see his face plastered all over every billboard in America despite the fact that he could probably go that route if he was so inclined. I like the guy. I’ts hard not to admire people who are really fucking good at what they do, and he’s pretty damn good.
Roger Clemens
Not that it maters, but I’ve been saying that baseball should be looking at pitchers for over three years. And that’s specifically because of Roger Clemens. I’m a sports guy...I want to believe in heroes as much as the next person. I like lance Armstrong, but trust me, he’s guilty. And I think Roger is too. The sad thing is its becoming very hard to believe in amazing feats of sporting achievement if you’re a rationale human being. In the case of Clemons, even on just a circumstantial basis, he’s very suspect. Let’s see…playing one of the most physically demanding positions in all of sports, the guy starts displaying an unprecedented level of dominance 5 years removed from the age when most pitchers begin to fill out AARP cards. Oh yeah…that and his entire physique changed. Go back and look at his early Boston days…yeah he was pretty big...but he’s a hell of a lot bigger now and we’re not talking a 41 year old gut. And then the whole Mike Wallace thing last night…Roger just shut the fuck up. Why would McNamee lie about all this? He’s got no motive to do so and your own people have leaked that you failed a lie detector test...so go plead the 5th and hope to Christ hall voters are feeling charitable when your name comes up.
McDonalds Coffee Bars
Did you guys see this? The Wall Street Journal announced today that McDonald’s plans to implement coffee bars (with Baristas) in all of 14,000 of its restaurants in the U.S. Apparently they’re trying to compete with Starbucks...on what level I have no idea. I’ll take a super-sized pumpkin spiced McLatte...skinny…with a splash of special sauce. Just a dabble on the top…it’s just for flavor!
Movies
Charlie Wilson’s War: Fantastic! Philip Seymore Hoffman...unbelievable! Remember when he played “George” in scent of a woman?
I haven’t seen any other movies although I’ve heard No Country for Old Men is great. I may go check that out this week. I did watch The Notebook last week for the first time and I just stopped crying about ten minutes ago.
Music
Arcade Fire’s new album Neon bible...outstanding! Can anyone explain the album website to me? http://www.neonbible.com/readme.html It’s a very cool but I can’t say I get it. I’m in the mood to blow up iTunes this week so if anyone has suggestions, let me know.
There’s a lot more I could talk about but I’ll stop for now. Happy New Year to everyone! Sorry again for the long hiatus, but I’m back in the swing of things now and plan to be more diligent about writing.
BD
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