Romantic Game Theory

Why do we play games? Specifically, why is that we feel compelled to play mind games...or even just “the game” with people we are seeing or are even just interested in? It’s not that I don’t get it, because I do. Sometimes games are fun. And it’s a basic protective mechanism in some ways I suppose. But it really doesn’t make a lot of sense on many levels. If you talk to people who are single, a large percentage of them...at least those that are above the age of 26...will probably tell you that the thing they like the least about being single is “the game”. Yet we all do it. We all say, “I don’t play games” or “I don’t want to play games” but we’ve all done at one point in time...in fact we’ve probably done it more frequently than we’d like to admit. I feel like I’m caught up in this right now, which I why I bring it up. What’s more…the reason I’m playing the game is because I feel like she’s doing it. And the reality of it is, she probably feels like I’m doing it. So the end result is we’re just playing off each other in a way that is completely ridiculous …and creating this snowball effect of resistance that is really doing nothing more than pushing us apart. It’s retarded!

At graduate school I spent a good deal of time studying game theory as it relates to economics. Interestingly enough, now that I am single, I have found the fundamentals of game theory to be particularly applicable to dating. For those that don’t know, in essence, game theory is the study of interactions between individuals. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Game_theory From an academic perspective a “game” could be just about anything. It only requires that there are a minimum of two participants (the players), a generally understood set of rules, and payoffs (or penalties) that ensue from each players move within the game. There are many different types of games and an equal number of variations to the theories that describe them, but one of the most commonly discussed is that of the “Prisoner’s Dilemma”. The prisoner’s dilemma describes a scenario where both players would benefit from some form of mutual cooperation, but because of the fear of non-cooperation (or betrayal) from the other party, both players work solely in their own interests (winner take all!)...gradually eroding payoffs to the point where the game stops because both parties are dead (metaphorically speaking).

From an economic sense, a common example used to illustrate this dynamic is the case of department stores. In shopping malls across America department stores regularly run red-tag sales. Most department stores lose money with these sales! Why do they do it you ask? The answer...simply stated… is because the other guy does it. The strategy goes - as long as the other players are offering sales, we have to offer sales. Yeah, we lose some money, however if we don’t offer sales, we lose ALL the business to our competition. In other words, each store inherently accepts a smaller piece of the pie in order to ensure that the other guy doesn’t run away with the whole thing. In reality, if the stores cooperated with one another…in many cases… they could possibly even expand the pie and each make more money than they would acting as individuals.

Coke and Pepsi actually figured this out. That’s the reason why you never see Coke and Pepsi products simultaneously promoted on the end caps in the aisles of your grocery store. The two companies figured out at some point that they could make more money by cooperating and alternating weekends (or days). If you walk into your average Safeway, chances are either Coke or Pepsi products will be on sale, but not the other. The next day (or the next weekend) they’ll switch. All bets are off on Super Bowl Sunday!

So you get the idea. The point is…we too often engage in the department store model when it comes to dating. We send mixed messages...we flirt...we scheme…we manipulate…we guard our territory. But its not a winner take all model. The reality of it is that in a lot of cases both people are often trying to achieve the same thing, that being that they want to be with the other person due to the fact that they like the other person! So how do you break free of this viscous cycle of trying to make them think that you don’t like them as much, so that they will then like you more? The practical term for this model is the infamous “Push & Pull”. It’s so fucking irritating because here I am aware of all this, and yet, I feel completely helpless to change it. And I’m 31 years old...I really don’t need or want to be playing games. But she’s not 31! And I like her...and I’m pretty certain she likes me...but here we are playing this one out. And I’m not faulting her at all. Yeah, she’s a little younger but she’s a great girl…she’s got a great head on her shoulders...and I don’t think she’s playing games with me per say...at least not in the strictest sense of the word. But at the same time I can’t help but notice some subtle gamesmanship on both of our ends…something that is somewhat compounded by the fact that we work together. Yeah I know…fishing in the company pond...we don’t need to go there. But I would like to rise above this dynamic..its just I don’t know how to do it. If anyone has any thoughts, they would be more than welcome.

BD